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lostlittleboi13

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Im too young to be, taken seriously. [Aug. 21st, 2007|01:36 am]
lostlittleboi13

so if it wasnt me, how was it you?
i need to know. you cant just say things to make me shut up while i am drunk. i wasnt that gone. i remember everything. everything. i need to know what it was. if it was me tell me. dont leave me making me think it was me. if it was you i need to know how so. i need to know everything. i need to know that if you left, and i am working on me so i can be ok for us. but in all it was you. i need to know. if i was everything you wanted like you said i was. then why., chance it and leave. i cant keep doing this. i cant always just wait. i cant keep waiting for everything to "work itself out". it wont. it has to be forced. and it shouldnt be..


its like talking to a brick wall...


whats the point of trying to be able to be alone. if the point of a relationship is to be the exact opposite?

whats the point of being just friends if you have seen the soul and life of the person you must pretend you dont love?

pretending it never was anything.

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Fuck In The Fire [Aug. 13th, 2007|11:54 pm]
lostlittleboi13
[Current Music |my chemical romance]

i have issues. with you. 

alot of them. 

do you want to lose it all?
do you only want me for sex? call me when you need some. hope it doesnt fuck me up. hope i am ok when i leave...

im not. 

im so torn up. i get false hopes too. just like you.
just like everyone. i am human, i have feelings. feelings that will not go away. because i know. i just know. you arent working on you so we can work on us. so excuse me, 

excuse me for fucking caring. excuse me for trying. excuse me for changing for you just because i wouldnt lose you again. so sorry i wanted this. so sorry i had a bad moment in life and had hard times and wasted your precious time while i dealt with it. so sorry for thinking we could be lovers AND friends. so sorry for thinking you couldnt leave me, so sorry for beleiveing you when you said you wouldnt. 

and then you did.


stuck in the moment, dead at the scene. this is the life that you wanted, right? so turn off all the lights. 

dont it feel like somethings not right in his kiss tonight.?

could it be you? could it be the lies you are filling his heart with. the false dreams he can sleep on. well did you know, his dreams are living nightmares, when he wakes and you arent there. when you are right with him when he breathes but not when dies....

how do you expect this to work? how do you expect me to live MY life like we were never anything. so sorry i am not instantly over us in the split second you walked out my door. not like you. sorry i wanted it to work, i wanted this. and now, what? i am suposed to not care when you talk to her all the time and then tell me you guys are just friends. fine whatever, ill buy it. ill even buy that so is everyone else. what am i? a friend. or a fuck. a fuck in the fire. the heat of the moment when you need to be touched, to be fucked, to be controled..

to be loved. 
cause thats what it is to me when we do touch. 
i love you with my hands. i love you with my kiss, i love you with my entire being. 

and you. you dont see your eyes when you look at me like that. you arent the same girl. not the one i knew,. not the heart i once knew. 

dont say you have changed like you are the only one who was effected...because you know i was as well. 

and if it makes you less sad i will die by your hand, hope you find out what you want. i already know what i am. if it makes you less sad we can start talking again. you can tell me how vile i already know that i am. ill grow old. start acting my age. itll be a brand new day in a life that you hate. and it hurts a whole lot but its missed when its gone. call me a safe bet. im betting im not. im glad that you can forgive. im only hoping as time goes you can forget. if it makes you less sad. ill move out of this state. you can keep it to yourself. ill keep out of your way. and if it makes you less sad ill take your pictures all down all the pictures you paint i will paint myself out.  so call it quits, or get a grip. you say you wanted a solution. you just wanted to be missed. let you're beauty unfold. holding onto your self the best you can. you are the smell before rain, you are the blood in my veins. 

what is this to you?


maybe when the room is empty, ,aybe when when i am dont with thinking you can think me whole. maybe when i am done with endings this can begin. maybe when the walls are smaller there will be more space. maybe when i lokk for things i cant replace.

everythign in my world will always change. but you. remain the same. always.


i just wish you could see you through my eyes. and then maybe your understand why i cant quit this. 


now i know, that i cant make you stay
but wheres your heart,
                           but wheres your heart,
                                             but wheres your.....

and i know, theres nothing can say
to change that part,
                         to change that part,
                                             to change...............

so many, bright lights that cast a shadow. 
but can i speak?
well is it hard understanding
im incomplete
a life thats so demanding
i get so weak
a love thats so demanding
i cant speak

           I AM NOT AFRAID OF LIVING
                             I AM NOT AFRAID TO WALK THIS WORLD ALONE
                                                                  HONEY, IF YOU STAY YOU'LL BE FORGIVEN
                                                                                                               NOTHING YOU CAN SAY CAN STOP ME GOING HOME

can you see, my eyes are shining bright
cause i am out there
on the other side, of a jet black hotel mirror
and im so weak
is it hard understanding, im incomplete
a love thats 
so demanding i get weak


                    I SEE YOU LYING NEXT TO ME
                                                     WITH WORDS I THOUGHT I'D NEVER SPEAK
                                                                                                                     AWAKE AND UNAFRAID
                                                                                                                                                         ASLEEP OR DEAD  
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boston [Aug. 9th, 2007|10:08 pm]
lostlittleboi13



i am so pissed!!!!


who the fuck are you? what is your problem? you arent the same girl i used to know. 

o dear you look so lost. your eyes are red and the tears you shed.

you dont know me. you dont even care. you dont wear my chains.

the irony of this song is amazing.
so amazing. i love it.

 

but heres the funny thing. i really am going to boston. i do need a sunrise. i never knew why i liked this song so much. now i do. i just needed the right buttons pushed. the right words said. the wrong things done. i think that im just tired. i think i need a new town. to leave this all behind. some snow would be nice. no one knows my name. i just needed to see. 

to see i was the only one fighting for this. wanting this..

when the flowers gaze at you. thier not the only ones who cry when they see you. 

you said youd never give up on me. you said youd never leave. that no matter what through everyone else. it was always me. you said forever. 

forever my ass!

i lived for you. i lost alot, so i could be happy. just so i could do what? lose you in the end? im sorry. what do you want from me. i will die for you, all you have to do is ask. but if i die for you. it wouldnt matter i would be gone. 

but i will be gone. im leaving. im not sticking around to play the same tired game. i am not dumb. 
stop treating me like i am. stop thinking i cant live without you, so i will hang on your every move. stop thinking i am assuming. you wont talk to me long enough to know. 

do you know what you want? is it me? is that what you are tring to see? if i will sit here and torture myself for you? if i will lose my mind for you? i have. im done.

if your calling about my heart; its stil yours. i should have listened to it a little more. and it wouldnt have taken me so long to know where i belong. 

i cant do this anymore. i love my friends. i love my friends who i lost and no matter what are stil there. i love the kids that mean so much to me. but i hope to god they understand, i have to go. 

i have spent to much time waiting on you to figure out if you want to stick around with me. in my rough patch. i sat through yours. right by your side. and you cant through mine. im so scared and the last thing i need is you to leave me. that will make me so much stronger. so much more confident about myself. yeah, no!. it only confirms my fears. i am to much for people. i have to much going on. no one can handle this much change. im sorry. i couldnt stay the same for you. it would have killed me. but i did think our love was strong enough to bend. 

my bad. 

look around your world pretty baby. is it everything you hoped it would be? 
 i cant find a reason to let go. even though you found a new love. and shes what your dreams are made of. i can find a reason to hang on, what went wrong can be forgiven, without you it aint worth living. sometimes i wake up crying at night. and sometimes i scream out your name. what right does she have to take your heart away? when for so long you were mine. it was a time of love and laughter. happy ever after. but even though the pictures have begun to fade, please tell me shes not real. and that your really coming home to stay.  

 
maybe one day you will remeber why we we as great as we were. 

maybe one day. 

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(no subject) [Aug. 9th, 2007|10:05 pm]
lostlittleboi13
fuck!!! i just posted a hell of a fucking long ass post...and now its gone! 

fuck!


dude ....whatever. im moving...fuck your drama bullshit
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(no subject) [Aug. 1st, 2007|07:50 pm]
lostlittleboi13
my last update was two weeks ago and that was more or less a bull shit update to keep my site alive. but now. oh child now.

now my life is in waiting. im not dramamtic as every one says. im just a lover. i love her. and i am so scared of her. im not scared of anything. not death, not failure, not anything

just her, im not a clingy person. i dont need her for comfort i dont use her for support. i need her. for love. our love. the love that once was so strong, pure and rare and we were one and soulmates and so alive.

and i shut down. i was so scared. i needed my moms approval for so much that i depended on her to always be there. like youd expect.

but i have to do this. i have to. but i need Crystal. not just as support. as a lover. i know i will find my self so unlovable after i start and do this. that it will be so hard for me to go on alone in a relationship type thing. withour her. shes been there. she knows me. and i suck but i shut down more or less preparing myself for the worst before it even happened. all my nightmares where of us leaving. and i couldnt sleep and i shut down cause all i could think to say was you arent going to like me. you will leave me like i am so scared of. and now she is gone. and i am so scared she wont come back. and i dont want to do this alone

maybe moving will be good. but i dont want to move alone. i want to start over. with her.i want my life back to how it was.

and i make this vow. between me, a movie, and this computer screen. i am opening up to you. i will give my love to you. i will make you my whole world.....come home. so i can be me again..
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comatose [Jul. 18th, 2007|03:47 am]
lostlittleboi13

I hate feeling like this
I'm so tired of trying to fight this
I'm asleep and all I dream of
Is waking to You
Tell me that You will listen
You're touch is what i'm missing
And the more I hide I realize I'm slowly losing You

Comatose
I'll never wake up without and overdose of You
I don't wanna live, I dont wanna breathe
'Less I feel you next to me
You take the pain I feel
Waking up to You never felt so real
I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna dream
'Cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way You make me feel
Waking up to You never felt so real
I hate living without You
Dead wrong to ever doubt You
But my demons lay in waiting
Tempting me away
Oh how I adore You
Oh how I thirst for You
Oh how I need You
Comatose

Breathing life
Waking up
My eyes open up
Comatose
I'll never wake up without and overdose of You
I don't wanna live, I dont wanna breathe
'Les I feel You next to me
You take the pain I feel
Waking up to You never felt so real
I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna dream
'Cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way You make me feel
Waking up to You never felt so real
Oh how I adore You
Waking up to You never felt so real
Oh how I thirst for You
Waking up to You never felt so real
Oh how I adore You
The way You make me feel
Waking up to You never felt so real

I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like.

Is it over yet, in my head?

I know nothing of your kind, and I won't reveal your evil mind.

Is it over yet? I can't win.

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please.


You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

This will be all over soon.
Pour salt into the open wound.

Is it over yet? Let me in.

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please.


You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.


I'm waiting, I'm praying, realize, start hating.

You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

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(no subject) [Dec. 17th, 2006|04:42 am]
lostlittleboi13
i cant stand this anymore. i just want to be happy when was that declaired so wrong. why does it have t obe so hard to love her. why does shit always have to get in my way. we were happy dammit. whyd you have to go and ruin it? i just wanted to live my life with her forever. we had it made. fucker whyd you have to fuck this up. god i hate you sometimes. then you go and play with my heart and confuse me. and then i lose her. and you. all i wanted was her why? why? must this be thew end of my life. im only eighteen i dont want to die. but i feel like its all thats left. why cant we just go back to how it was. i cant watch you love her. shes mine. i cant listen to you tell her you love her. you dont so quit lying. your both lying and it makes you both big fucking hypocrites. she said shes not with you and shes not with me. and you tell me you cant be her friend because you never were so there for if you are stil hanging around her and stil doing things with her you must be together because other wise that makes you both a hypocrite and a liar. so mr. high and fucking mighty. hows life with her? everything you hoped it would be? hows liveing MY life working out for you? i love her more than you will ever ever love her. so go ahead. eat it up. take her places. buy her things. she hates it. she hates material love. you will never love her like i did and do. and always will. you will never make her happy like i did. she will never love you like she loved me. sorry. if thats what you wanted. if you wanted to make my life miserable CONGRATS!!! you win again. im miserable. lost without even my best friend this time. it wasnt always about us. it was this time..but thats why she called me. had she never called me for THAT reason it never would have progressed to this. no friends bs. and somehow i am at fault. no. not when she calls ME . i knew when she called this would turn out differently. i knew she wanted sex. i dotn blame her either. im just sorry she chose to go back to it. or lack there of it anywa. but whatever. im running out of paitients to wait for her. waiting forever for her to find out if she loves me or not. i know she did. but does she now. who knows? i dont ask you to marry me if i dont love you. i dont get a tatto of something that YOU KNOW means something between us. its on me forever...thanks. if you want to end all this. fine fck you too. i just wanted to be happy and love you and live my life like im supposed to. the way we know it should be. but go, run hide in his money. his fake love. the love he wil never give you. because he cant open up. big deal. o wait. he isnt a  he anymore is she? yeah, i didnt think so. changed for you i bet to. whatever. her life. i admited when mine was a mistake. but at least i didnt make rash decisions and shove shit into m body and then regret it.or "decide im happy where i am" yeah right. she said she like girls and girls only. so you changed for her. whatever. its your life. just dont come crying to me when she get tired of you and your temper and bullshit. and obsessiveness. and clingy ness. at least i went home from time to time. i didnt want to scare her. or depend on her. and i didnt. unlike you who doesnt know how to be one your own. you were doing so great and then you decided to get back with her. happy life. happy hell is more like it. it was my happy hell. it wasnt hell to me. it was heaven. i loved her so fucking much. and she will never know. she will never understand how much of my life she is taking away by takeing us away. mybe one day she wil see how much of my life she actually was. the day i die. the day i actualy wake up and have no point to be alive anymore. im afraid to go to sleep. im afraid of my dreams. nightmares. my own private hell. all the things my mind makes me see. i dont WANT TO SEE YOU TWO TOGETHER!!!! quit forecing it. i dont want to "stick it in my back pocket" im sure he doesnt either. as much as i want to see you happy you can not force happy ness between people who can not get along. we never really did. even when we were pretending to like each other. as hard as we tried. its not meant to be. we cant be around each other without pissing off each others ego. you can not even as a best friend ask me to do this. as a lover you cant. as much as you think you know how much i love you you should know how it hurts to se you kis him and watch yuo be with him. why would you ever think i would be ok? im not Crystal. i wil neve be ok with anyone ever loving you or touching you. after four years you dont know this. after three years in the dark behind his back. you think i can just go back to not loving you and be ok to watch you love someon else. im sorry. i cant. i wil die first. i couldn do it then i definatly cant do it now. im sorry you had no idea about a post i worte a month ago. big deal. i worte alot of things. you said alot of things and slept with alot of people. i didnt.  i wrote one thought out and im the bad guy? no. if you just need an excuse to get out then just tell me you want out. if this makes you fel better than thats low. to make me the bad guy. so it doesnt hurt so bad.. fuck that. im the one hurting here. you never tried again. dont lie. if you really tried wed stil be fighting all odds. we have fought before and made it all the way through. and now your just giving up...what if i just give up on loveing you. all youlll have to love you is people who just settle. people ho love you beccause its easy. because its good sex. well im sorry. i wont be around to watch people break yuor heart because you gave up on me.
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(no subject) [Nov. 13th, 2006|02:04 am]
lostlittleboi13
why does love have to be so fucking complicated? its finally ok to be out in the open about us. even to her and i have no idea how he feels. is that bad? for once im happy ever sence "us" and i dont want to ruin it by spillin gmy heart out and it end up he just wants sex or nothing serious. i understand time and the fact that i need to give him just that. but, im so afraid that now after we fought for this and actually are together-ish, he wont want me. i gave up alot for this. and i don tknow how i would handle it if it turns out to be shit and nothing. im not saying he is shit or anything but im saying if in the end, all he wants is too date and nothing more. or worse he wants lianna for real. how am i supposed to deal with that? im ok with dating other people and not being exclusive but im not going to. ill wait for ever. for either. and i think whats bad is that they both know it and use it. im not obsessive. just happy. for the first time in a while and i thought all would be good until he didnt call. and i dont mean he needs to call. but i thought he was going to and then he went to Crystals, which is fine but im so confused about whats goin on...i just wish i knew how he felt..
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GOD DAMMIT!! [Nov. 10th, 2006|02:21 am]
lostlittleboi13
i dont know what to do. i like him . i like him alot. and i told her i didnt. but you should have saw the look on her face when i almost said yes. i really really like him. i never stoped likeing him. hes so cute and handsome and adorable and i just want to hold him and kiss him and be with him. when he asked me if we could ever be together i was so happy i couldnt answer him. i wanted to scream yes. and just jump into his arms. he makes me all melty inside. i sound like a little school girl but really its all him. and he doesnt even know. oh how i wish he could see. see that he drives me wild. and im so afraid it might be to late to do anything. im afraid i meesed up t o bad and he will never know. im afraid i will lose him again and im really more afraid that i will lose him to her. i love her. but, i dont know. i can stand that i cant be with him. i cant get ti through his head to just look at me and see me and know that i put up with so much bs from everyone to just be around him. everyone thinks we hate each other. we dont. i really like him..


how can i make him see?
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my mom [Sep. 29th, 2006|09:02 pm]
lostlittleboi13
[Tags|]
[Current Location |alone]
[Current Mood |blahblah]
[Current Music |evans blue- cold]

so here i am, alone in my room. trying really hard to find out the perfect way to not ruin my mom and i new found relationship by telling her how i really feel. im sure she has to know. everyone already does except my family only because they are closed minded bigots except for my aunt. who is well pretty much the only one that doesnt really care. my mom knows im a "lesbian" and doesnt care and accepts it and loves me the same so she says. but this wont be the first time ive tried to tell her. and the last time she absolutly refused to accept and told me i was wrong and confused and didnt know what i was talking about which actually at the time i was more sure than i have ever been. now, well, after having to hide it for one reason or another and finally just tired of being miserable. it doesnt help that my best freind has gotten so much suporrt from everyone in all that hes done. im not mad or jealous...just envyous. if he only knew how bad i want to be seen. im just so afraid of what to do. and how to do it. maybe a letter or somthing but i dont know what to say. i cant talk to her. i cant watch her cry. i hate it when my mom cries. i hate crying. but i do. but its way worse to be the one to make your mom cry because she realizes im not a little kid anymore...

what should i do?
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